In case you’ve been oblivious to the ring selfies popping up on Instagram and Facebook recently, engagement season seems to be never ending, which makes now the perfect time to delve into the modern-day etiquette for the bride-to-be and her friends and family. From the right way to share the big news via social media to whether or not it’s ever okay to ask about the ring’s carat count, we’ve left no stone unturned. Scroll down for answers to these and more tricky questions. Then shop some of our favorite engagement rings.
FOR THE BRIDE-TO-BE
According to Brides.com, the most gracious way to show your ring on social media is by posting a photo of your left hand that also includes you and your betrothed. Your friends and family (and, yes, probably random acquaintances and high-school classmates creeping on your profile) are likely dying to see your ring, so obliging them with a picture shouldn’t be considered bragging. However, posting close-up images of your new engagement ring can be a bit much.
While it’s fairly common and may not bother anyone in your circles, The Cut argues that the “context-free diamond” takes away the focus from the happy couple’s announcement and puts it on carat comparisons and consumerism. Whichever type of photo you ultimately decide to post, make sure to show your gratitude by responding to each of your well-wishers.
As silly as it seems, it’s smart to have a strategy for sharing the news of your engagement. Imagine how your mother would feel if she came across the announcement on Facebook before hearing it from you. Accordingly, if you have children, sharing the news with them first is very important. Many sites recommend doing this alone with the child so they can express their honest emotions. Your closest family should be next to hear about the good news, followed by your best friends, extended family, and anyone especially close to you. Lastly, a social media or a public announcement can follow.
While questions about the cost, carats, or authenticity of your new diamond may seem wildly rude, they do happen. This editor has witnessed a man earnestly ask a newly engaged woman if her diamond was cubic zirconia, so it’s best to be prepared with a response. Manners expert Emily Post recommends saying something along the lines of, “It’s not the size or quality that matters to me. I just love it!” Humor also works well: If someone asks if the diamond is real, a response such as, “It had better be, or I’ll have some questions for the jeweler!” will diffuse the situation. When it comes to questions about price, Post offers this one-liner: “They probably spent more on it than they should have, but I’ll cherish it forever.”
According to Post, this is entirely up to you and there are no etiquette guidelines, whether you want to do it within minutes of the proposal (after alerting family and close friends, to be safe) or months later.
Our best answer is that it has to feel natural. Don’t force the situation, and don’t feel like you need to immediately start referring to your mother-in-law as “mom” the second you’re engaged or married. If you’d like to make the gesture but aren’t sure how to do it, it can be nice (and relatively less awkward) to refer to your new in-laws as “mom” and “dad” in a card.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that anyone who you invite to your engagement party (or any pre-wedding event such as a shower or bachelorette party) should traditionally be invited to your wedding, so choose carefully. This is the reason that many engagement parties are often kept relatively small. Usually, the guest list is limited to family members, the bridal party, and close friends.
Traditionally, the parents of the bride are given the first opportunity to host the engagement party. However, anyone can throw the celebration, whether it ends up being your friends or yourself. Keep in mind, though, that it’s not good etiquette to ask your best man or maid of honor to take on these duties, as they’ll have other parties to host. Engagement parties are usually held closer toward the engagement than the wedding. Experts recommend holding it one to three months after the proposal if it’s a long engagement, or six months before the wedding if it’s a shorter engagement.
It’s proper etiquette to prepare your registry before the party, lest any guests wish to purchase a gift to bring to the engagement celebration. Make sure to include some relatively inexpensive items from which to choose from. However, do not include the registry information on any invitations, as this is considered bad manners. You can inform guests of your registry if they ask, but not otherwise. That said, when it gets closer to the wedding, it’s acceptable for the couple to list the registry information on their wedding website.
You should wear whatever color you please to your engagement party. It is tradition to wear white, and some brides-to-be enjoy standing in the spotlight in white. However, others may feel more comfortable wearing a color or print. Just remember that the choice is completely up to you.
FOR THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY OF THE HAPPY COUPLE
It’s natural to want to know every detail including the cost, clarity, and carats, but try to keep your questions to yourself. This is okay: “How did they ever find such a gorgeous ring?” This is not okay: “It’s huge! How much did they drop on it?” Trust us, if the bride-to-be wants you to know those details, she will most definitely share them with you.
It’s best to wait and let the bride-to-be ask you. You don’t want to put her in an awkward position if she is having a small bridal party and wasn’t planning on including you.
Again, we’re going to tell you to wait (at least until the engaged couple has posted publicly about the engagement). They likely have a plan for announcing their news, and you don’t want to spill the beans too early.
In most places, engagement gifts have become customary. That said, weddings and all the events leading up to them can leave a heavy dent in your pocket, so it’s completely acceptable to pick an affordable gift. A small token that communicates a gesture of affection is perfect.
SHOP ENGAGEMENT RINGS
David Yurman DY Delaunay Petite Engagement Ring in 18K Gold (price upon request)
Price available upon request.
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This post was originally published at an earlier date and has since been updated by Lauren Eggertsen.