Dear Men: Let Me Walk You Through Life in a Thong

Jessica Schiffer

Lately, there’s been a lot of discussion about women “migrating away from the thong,” most of it coupled with shock and awe—as if these stringy pieces are so intrinsic to womanhood that we’ll all combust without them. If you dare bring it up to a gentleman of the heterosexual variety, he’ll likely support this notion by confessing his preference for the barely there panty above all else. While we wearers might be sprinting toward underwear with full coverage, it’s clear that not everyone’s on board. Luckily these are our behinds, to dress up as we please. However, for all those dudes out there who just don’t seem to get it, I’ll gladly provide an explanation sure to clear things up…

See, wearing thongs is not as easy breezy as lingerie models make it seem, unless you’re referring to the strange sensation of fresh (or not so fresh) air on your bottom when they’re worn with a skirt. While that might sound nice to you, I can assure you it’s not. Instead, it makes us feel a bit vulnerable, like we’ve been walking around all day with our skirts up. Constantly touching our butts to make sure that’s not the case? We didn’t sign up for that life.

Then there is the general discomfort they deliver, regardless of what we’re wearing above. You’ve all had wedgies, right? Well, imagine that feeling, but constant and impossible to fix until you can safely de-thong at home. But then, something is literally stuck between our butt cheeks, so this should be obvious.

And have you ever tried exercising in these flossy flossies? Probably not, so consider yourself lucky. But, in an effort to shield the world from our panty lines, we certainly have, and it takes the usual thong discomfort to new heights. See, nothing throws off your cardio game like the perpetual panty readjusting that comes with wearing these things. Thongs just do not stay in place, and after 10 minutes on the treadmill, you’re not unlikely to discover that your thong has relocated, confusing, ahem, your front side for your back.

The thing about thongs is you can’t wear them without knowing at all times that you’ve got one on. While other options like boyshorts leave you feeling comfortable and carefree, thongs are needy and in your face (or, more accurately, your behind). More and more, women are craving clothes that allow them to live their busy lives freely, unburdened by the constant need to check and tweak and check again. For some of us, I'm afraid, thongs are far too oppressive to make the cut.

Not a thong fan either? Shop our favorite underwear options, below!

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