Oh, and to the inquiring minds who wanted to know: yes, he┬'s single and yes, he likes the ladies very much (and they like him too).
1. Jessica Alba
Does she look bipolar or is it just me? The torso flirts, ┬"Casual can be synonymous with hot. All it takes is nonchalantly pulling back your hair to better show off that lovely smile and pairing it with a black vintage t-shirt brazenly displaying the world┬'s greatest rock band while not clashing with a brown leather coat.┬" Then out of nowhere, the waist down screams, ┬"I┬'m a 12-year-old girl from the Pacific Palisades. Deal with it!┬" I find this one so baffling, I┬'m contacting the National Institute of Mental Health for answers.
2. Drew Barrymore
Whenever I go to New York City, I fall in love every city block. This equation explains why: say ┬"s┬" is cute girl (a red-head to boot!), ┬"e┬" is a classic, head to toe black ensemble and ┬"xy┬" is an unexpected touch of stylistic brilliance (in this case, white Ray-Bans and a beret). Then, s+e+xy=instant heartbreak. See how fun math can be? However, if that is a neon striped dress over her black pants, I take everything back and will go on a hunger strike until the dreaded ┬'Hey everybody, I have a dress AND pants on┬' look is finally shot ┬"execution style┬" in a dark alley and a voodoo priest places a curse on its grave to ensure it will never resurface again. And yes, if you must know, I am going to therapy for my ┬"temper.┬"
3. Mischa Barton
The letter in the envelope reads as follows:
Dear Current You,
This is a serious message from Future You. DO NOT go out of the house today. TRUST ME. I know you think your beige shorts with suspenders are progressive, and while shorts can be hot and even suspender shorts can be rocked well, your choice will only make babies cry and people ask you why you stayed neutral during WWII. Partially it┬'s the color, partially it┬'s the shorts┬' length, but mainly it┬'s the fact that you decided to combine your quasi-lederhosen with a bland top and a hat that Grandpapi decided in 1973 was ┬'too boring for words.┬'
P.S. Outfits like these are why we were killed off The O.C.
4. Victoria Beckham
For sure, this is ┬"street style,┬" but it is usually a type of ┬"street style┬" associated with women who get you 6 months in lockdown and your own colony of pubic lice as a parting gift. My feeling is if you have fur, leather, leopard print, and Botox all in the same look, you are saying, ┬'Man, I miss those days working for Heidi Fleiss.┬' Though I will admit, the dress is flattering and not that bad by itself.
Picture of Penelope, courtesy of www.x17online.com